you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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