she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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