Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
