Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
