I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
