mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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