I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
