Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
