I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just want nice things and good sex
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
