dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
