Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
