if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
