broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
