Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
love makes seman taste better
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
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