Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
