oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
