The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
