I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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