someone threw a dead crab at me
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
