im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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