i think my mom watched the whole time
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I need to align my fucking chakras
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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