Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
