Do you still have your period?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
