When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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