My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
