If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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