True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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