I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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