i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Randomize
