My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
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Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
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Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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