We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
