so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
