Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
