Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
