party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
