I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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