I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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