he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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