sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
