Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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