i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
