please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I got inside last night via doggy door
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
