I saw his package. It spoke to me.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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