getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
