i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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