Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
