oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
