He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
