I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It's shark week go big or go home
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
