Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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