I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
