im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Randomize
