I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
