Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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