Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
