I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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