I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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