Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
