cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
