I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
