In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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