no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
