apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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