fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
