Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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