two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
